12.20.2022

I am not sure why, but this date continues to stand out in my journal.

I don't remember the significance of this date, but I do remember that, at this point, my divorce had been filed, I was just waiting back to hear when it had been processes. It was almost my 3rd wedding anniversary, yet I had not seen my husband since the spring of that year. And my life looked drastically different than what I had pictured.

I felt that I had done a lot of work on myself in the past months, I was in counseling, I had a community at my church, and I was about to start my divorce care group. I was excited for the future and although I would not have chosen this path, I was trying to embrace the changes ahead.

Maybe this date was a moment of self reflection. I had made some noticeable improvements in things I was working on, I was still struggling with certain things, but also thinking about what I really wanted.

and how I get to choose that.

I think I saw myself morphing into those around me so that I wouldn't have to face any rejection. But what fun is that when you can't even be yourself?

Maybe I realized that I would rather be disliked for who I really am, than liked for someone I'm not.

I have "lost myself" in previous relationships and I didn't want that to happen again. But did I even know who I was? How can you lose something that you haven't even found? What is the reality? That's a hard question to answer.

I think it's weird to think about because you are your own person, but how can you not know you? How can you not know what you are feeling or what you want? Maybe when I became more concerned with being accepted, so that I would change and do whatever to fit in, I lost myself by doing that.

I think that when we aren't able to name something, it holds a certain power over us. Certain emotions or words - knowing the defitition and naming them takes away the weight of the unknown. At this time, I was starting to get better at naming emotions and certain words that I would not have used before, became more acceptable to use. And in using them, the weight of that unknown feeling or thing suddenly felt lighter.

My counseling told me that naming is a way to name/accept in order to move on. Otherwise we cannot grow if we cant accept the reality.

I don't want to live in a delusional world. I don't want surface conversations, I don't want someone to say things just to be nice. I don't want love with no truth. I don't want a delusion to be my life.

I want the truth, even if the truth hurts and sucks

They say that the truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.

I think I was in denial up until this point. Maybe that's why it's a significant date in my journal. It maybe was the day I decided, I don't want to live in a world where I don't know or cant know what is true or what is real. I want to live in reality. And that reality might have heartbreaks and hurts and struggles, but in that reality is truth. And I want truth more than I want comfort.

So, I think that this day was the start of a "breakthrough", if you will. A day when one realizes that there's enough bull shit in the world and I am not going to live in it. I don't want to lie to myself so that I am more comfortable. I want the hard truth. I want to know why I accepted shitty love from someone. I wanted to know why I feel the need to change myself in an attempt to please others. Why I don't know who I am. Why? Why to everything. Why is everything the way it is? I feel that, being able to look back now, that there is freedom with truth. There's also hurt and struggle, but I want what is on the other side of truth.