Dealing with Anger

My hurt and sadness with grieving quickly turned into regret. At the time, I regretted getting married. I felt so embarrassed to be divorced so young. I was mad, but I didn't want to admit it. I told myself I was handling things fine and that I was doing great given the circumstances. I told myself that I had forgiven my ex-husband and his family. I had let go, they were allowed to make their own choices and I had to make mine.

I was sitting in my divorce group and that week's topic was on anger. I thought to myself: "I don't have anger! I've forgiven, and I don't want to be bitter and so I am not angry."

After that lesson, I made it thought the whole week without being able to think of anything I was angry about! See!

So, just to double check, I asked a close and dear friend of mine, "You don't think I'm angry, Right?" Because I wasn't! And in the most loving and kindest way I could imagine, she gently told me that I did seem mad and that anyone in my situation would probably be.

My initial reaction was to want to deny this, but since I value what she says, I decided to take a closer look and really ask myself if I was angry about anything.

It started off with me begrudgingly admitting that I was mad my marriage was over. I was mad that my husband left. I was mad I felt that I was starting over at 25, after I thought my life was headed in a very different direction. And the list continued for several journal pages until I couldn't help but cry and admit that I was actually really mad about a lot of things. A good quote I recently heard was, "What fills you, will spill out of you, when someone bumps you"

So, I asked myself, What happens when I'm bumped? When someone sends me an "annoying" email at work? When someone cuts me off in traffic? When a slight inconvenience happens during the day? I found myself getting "annoyed" very quickly. Why? I don't want to be this way. Being an angry person is not attractive, I know that. It's not fun nor is it exciting. It's the ugly side of me that I try to cover up

But, I've come to see that I am easily annoyed and I'm easily bothered .. and that sounds better than saying I'm easily angry. But being annoyed falls under the umbrella of anger, so in short, I became angry quite easily.

I don't want to be angry, I want to be more mature and I want to look like I have it all under control. lol. I wanted to accept what had happened in my life, move on, and do better. Regardless of wanting that, I was denying that I was still mad about what had happened. I know that I don't want to be bitter, but I can't not deal with my own anger, and not become bitter. I can't pretend I'm not annoyed or irritated and think it will go away on it's own - I can't ignore the parts of myself that I do not like. So I needed to address what was making me mad.

Some of the things related to my divorce were a definite cause of my anger, but what else? Several things from my past came up then, and still come up now. If I didn't think I was angry about my divorce, when I really was, what else was I angry about that I was ignoring? I think I'm still figuring this out.

I found that identifying my anger, asking myself why I was feeling this way, asking myself which value of mine this may be triggering from, asking myself how does this emotion help me relate to God, and then deciding what to do with it, helped me to start to sort through these emotions. This process and questions stem from the book "Untangling Emotions" by J. Alasdair Groves and Winston T. Smith.

This process is not about trying to change HOW you feel, but changing how you RELATE to the emotion and UNDERSTAND what may be causing it. I find that running though these questions with challenging emotions had led me to better understand myself and my emotions, and to create better responses when I am not sure what is happening inside me. I know I still have some anger in me, I can start to see parts of me that are bitter, but admitting this is the start of change. I already see, in my own life, that I am able to let go of my anger and responded differently when I understand where the emotion is coming from and thinking about it before acting or responding.