Discovering Grief

What is grief? How does one grieve? I didn't know.

Looking back, I really didn't know how to do anything lol.

Grief: Deep sorrow or distress due to a loss

Learning how to grieve losses was something that has been so beneficial to me in my journey. Accepting the reality of my marriage being over was hard. I wanted to deny it and continue to hope that it would turn around any second. But it didn't. I was sad, heartbroken, and unsure about where to turn. How could this be who I married? I was scared of being alone, I was scared of the unknown, I was scared that it might happen a second time if I were ever to get married again.

I found myself journaling out all these feelings trying to learn how to grieve. Grieving the loss my not only my husband, but also his family that had become mine. The future I thought we had together was lost. The dream of buying a house and having children together was lost. The idea of growing old with the person you married in your twenties was lost. I was sad that I wouldn't have all of the things I was looking forward to.

I poured my heart out to God hoping that I would feel better via journaling. I remember doing this a few times, and maybe with each time it got better? I can't say for sure, but admitting what I had lost and admitted the hurt and sadness that this loss caused was progress forward. Grief looks different for each person and there is no one "right" way to grieve. For me, writing down how I felt at the time let me clear some of my thoughts from my head and helped me to process everything that was happening.

When I had lost my marriage, I felt that I had lost my whole world. I also took a hard look at who I was in this world and wanted to be different. I didn't like who I had become and I looked around and I didn't like my life. So, I also grieved the person who I had been. The person who I was when I had been dating, the person who I was when I had gotten married, and the person who I was when I was in a marriage. I felt that I had lost myself when I was in a relationship with someone else. I used humor to mask how I felt and laughed when something was hurtful or mean. I wanted to let go of this person. I guess for myself, I wanted to intentionally grieve who I was and "lose" parts of me so that I could try and put back different qualities.

I was someone who wanted nothing to do with God and only felt that he was important when I needed something. I wanted that to change. I wanted to let go of my controlling ways and trust that God has a plan for me. I wanted to let go of withdrawing from conflict be able to speak up in a loving way when something was not working to me. I wanted to let go of reminding others of their past mistakes and flaws and be more accepting of who they are. I wanted to let go of feeling so much shame and feel worthy of love. I wanted to get go of keeping what I need to myself and not sharing. I want to accept that I have needs and can let others know those needs without being ashamed. I wanted to change who I was and, for me, that process started by grieving the loss of the person that I had been while also grieving the marriage that I was in while being this person.

Grief is honesty a weird thing. I am not sure exactly what it is or what it looks like. I am not sure how one moves through the process of grief to a point where they feel they can move past it. I am not sure what that point was for me, but I think that acknowledging the hurt and the loss was the start of that process.