Discovering Intimacy

After seeing a soon to be failed marriage, I obviously wondered what went wrong. Maybe it was not necessarily one big thing, but many, many little things that pilled up on top of each other. I think the pile here is quite large. Two people in an unhealthy relationship leads to greater chaos, not a secure and safe place to be.

What I knew about marriage was very limited. I saw the marriages of those around me which were my examples, and I maybe skimmed through one book prior to picking out a dress and walking down the aisle. I can say that I spent much more time choosing wedding colors, emailing vendors, and planning the wedding than I did for the actual marriage. After a few months into the separation, I thankfully, picked up a book that happened to be in my apartment which was about intimacy. Although I typically would think of the word "Intimacy" in a sexual way, this book was about what a healthy relationship looked like. I'm embarrassed to say, but I was shocked at what this book said.

I think that this book helped me see how much I was missing from my relationships in general, and that there is a way to have a better and closer relationship with people. Below I will include what I learned about what intimacy is and what should be included in a healthy relationships.

The intimacy needs listed within this book included: Acceptance, Affection, Appreciation, Approval, Attention, Comfort, Encouragement, Respect, Security (Peace), Support. Maybe all these things will not be present 100% of the time, but at different times, we each need these things from the other person that we should be close to, and other people close to us need them from us as well.

Acceptance: Receiving another person willingly and unconditionally.

Do I accept others for who they are? Do I accept myself for who I am? Sometimes, but not always. What does acceptance look like to me and how do I want to be accepted? I think that acceptance is being able to enjoy who someone is without trying to change them. I think reflecting on how I accept myself and how I accept others, especially those closest to me, was a good starting point to how I viewed and treated others I am close to.

Affection: Expressing care or closeness through non-sexual physical touch.

How do I show my affection? How do I want other to show theirs? What does affection look like to those I am close to and those I am not so close to? I think for me, I tend to view affection in extremes. Typically wanting extreme affection from the one person I am with or seeing, but not getting or expressing any affection with others. Finding more of a middle ground with significant others and with others in this area is a good first step.

Appreciation: Expressing thanks, praise, or recognizing accomplishments.

How often do I show my appreciation for others? How often do I point out when someone does a good job? What is my response when someone shows appreciation for me? Do I show appreciation as much as I receive it? I see myself growing in this area as I try to grow my community. Expressing gratitude, even for the little things, can have a great positive impact in relationships.

Approval: Build up or affirming another.

How do I show approval? How do I feel approved of? Do I try to build others up or tear them down? For me, I saw many people in my life growing up tear others down. I naturally picked up this habit and was/still am (Working on this!) quick to point out others flaws or point out what someone did wrong before pointing out what they did right or did well. Why? Why do we tear others down instead of building them up? Am I insecure? Jealous? A good question I ask myself when I start to judge others or tear them down out of habit, is to ask myself, "what am I getting out of this?" Am I trying to make myself feel better by tearing others down? Am I scared of something? I think affirming and building others up is one area where I have seen a bigger change in my own actions. I want to be someone who wants to encourage others and make them feel better about themselves, not tear them down or point out what they do wrong.

Attention: Conveying appropriate interest, concern, or care.

How do I pay attention to others? How do I want others to pay attention to me? Do I show enough concern and interest in the lives of others compared to my own? This is also a work in progress (as they all are..), I could see that during the hard things I was going through, I could get so wrapped up in my own world that I stopped paying attention to what was going on in the lives of those around me. I was trapped thinking about what was happening to me. One tip of advice I have heard, that I think is very beneficial, is to get outside yourself when going through a challenging time. What can I do for others? Even if it starts by asking someone what they have been up to, or asking what they did over the weekend instead of just jumping right into what I did or my latest update. I care about those who I am close to, and I want them feel and know that.

Comfort: Responding to a hurting person with words, feelings, and touch. To hurt with.

How do I comfort others? How do I want to be comforted? Do I comfort others? I have found comfort by those who have either seen divorce or gone through divorce themselves. I have also been comforted by those who have not. I think that the more things you go through or have seen, can help you be able to comfort others in a more relatable way. I think about what I would have wanted to hear at certain times and maybe some day will be able to comfort those who will go through similar situations.

Encouragement: Urging another to persist and persevere towards a goal.

Am I encouraging? How do I want to be encouraged? I personally did not grow up around good examples of what true encouragement looks like. I can say that I never really thought about encouraging others or how important this could be in relationships. Looking at where I am at now, I can see that it feels good to encourage others and build them up, similar to giving approval. I have found several great people in my life who have given me so much encouragement and I want to pass that along. I want to be someone who gives encouragement and makes others feel capable, instead of pointing out flaws or reasons why it won't work.

Respect: Valuing and regarding another highly; treating another as important.

Who do I think highly of? Who do I respect? Do I feel respected? Did I marry someone who I could respect? I wish I would have thought about this last question prior to getting married. At this time, I am starting to see the difference between enjoying being around someone verses respecting them for who they are and the choices they make. I guess I think that respect looks different depending on the relationship. I value and respect my friends, but the choices they make have much less impact on me than a spouse does. When entering a marriage, the decisions and actions of each spouse directly affects the other. I think knowing this and seeing this first hand has challenged, and changed the way that I view respect.

Security (Peace): Harmony in relationships; Freedom from fear.

Do I have harmony in my relationships? Where is there conflict? What security do I need in relationships? I am a 6 on the Enneagram (The Loyalist), so security is a HUGE thing for me. Having a stable job, budgeting, having a tentative future plan, ect - are all things that really need to be in place for me to feel a sense of security and peace about my life. I have learned a lot about my own need for security and finding peace on my journey so far. One thing I remember praying for early on was peace. I needed a sense of peace to make it though the day - so, this part of intimacy is something that holds a lot of weight for me. But to have peace and security, I think that being able to deal with conflict is very important. Looking at how conflict is handled, for me is telling about the state of my relationships. If conflict cannot be dealt with at a somewhat healthy level, then how can peace ever be achieved?

Support: Coming alongside and gently helping with a problem or struggle.

Do I provide support? How do I want to be supportive? Do I provide support or do I try to take over and just fix the problem? Do I support or try to control? Control is hard. I see myself trying to control my life and others and sometimes I just have to let go. I want to be someone who can offer advice and provide support without feeling like I have to "fix" the problem or control the outcome. Finding this balance is still a work in progress!

After looking at this list, I think, I want someone who accepts me, approves of me, respects me, comforts me, encourages me! I want someone who will do and be all these things for me. But another, (and better), question to ask is "Am I these things?"

Am I accepting, respectful, encouraging, comforting, (ect) to the people that I am close to? It's so easy for me to read something and say "I want that!" but it's hard to take a look at my own actions and ask if I am that as well. It is easy for me to point at the other person in my marriage and say "well... they weren't encouraging, or comforting, or supportive, or accepting", but was I? I can say that sometimes I wasn't. Knowing this list gave me a starting point. What do I look for? What was missing? What can be improved? I now feel that I have a better idea of what a healthy relationship looks like and what I am looking for whether it is with friends or a future romantic partner, regardless of the example relationships that I had modeled to me growing up.