Forgiveness? No thanks

Oh gosh, how does one forgive? How can you possibly forgive someone who has been so intentionally hurtful towards you and they're NOT sorry? They don't care. They don't deserve my forgiveness. Why? Why does forgiveness have to be good for us? Dang it.

Well, I had a long list of people who did not and do not deserve my forgiveness. That's for sure. But, I remember shortly after my husband left, I found myself being trying to forgive him. I had not yet, at this point, realized the anger in me, but I found myself praying for him and being able to let him go in my heart. But I didn't want to let him go because that's what he deserved, I needed to let him go so that I could have peace in my own life. That's what forgiveness is for, right? The one who doesn't forgive is the one who ends up being hurt and holding onto that hurt.

Even when I found myself forgiving my ex-husband, I found it much harder to forgive those who I thought would be there for me during this time, who did not show up. I will admit, that it was much harder (and still is hard) to forgive them. I looked up to these people, I relied on them, I trusted them. I thought that they cared about me and do the right thing in my eyes, but they didn't. And although, in a way I was more hurt by them, I know I have been no where near perfect in my own life. How many times have I been needed to be forgiven, either by others or by God? There are likely not enough numbers available.

So, I found myself being able to try and forgive them because I know that no matter how many times I mess up or make a mistake, I am always forgiven by God. This forgiveness thing was for sure not a one time occurrence. I have prayed that I would be able to forgive them several times, and find it easier some days and harder on others. When I think about all of the sins and hurt that I have done, it shows that I am not better than they are. I have my share of things I need to be forgiven of, and so I should forgive others as well. As easy as that is to type, it is not easy to practice. I still struggle with this. I remember praying one night, how could I ever possibly forgive someone who has caused so much hurt I really didn't know how, and even I did know how, I was sure I wouldn't want to.

I came across a verse that really helped me see that God could relate to what I was going through and what I was feeling. 2 Timothy 4:16-17

"At my first defense no one came to stand by me, but all deserted me. May it not be charged against them! But the Lord stood by me and strengthened me, so that through me the message might be fully proclaimed and all the Gentiles might hear it. So I was rescued from the lion's mouth."

After reading this verse, I realized that there was nothing that anyone could have done to change what my ex-husband did. No matter how many people were on my side, no matter who stood up for me, we all have to make our own choices. They could have 100% taken my side, and perhaps, instead of being mad at them, I would have found something else to take my anger out on. But, since they were an easy target, that's where my anger was directed.

People will disappoint. We all will. We can't help it, because were all flawed human beings. Each person, including myself, will disappoint someone one day. The only person who won't is God.. We can't put or faith or trust in men - because we are flawed. So I need to trust that God has a plan for me, I know that I am forgiven, and sometimes all you can do is trust God and try to forgive others back. Maybe it takes 10 times to forgive them, maybe 100 - I don't know, because I still feel like I am working on this. The pain can sometimes feel so recent and hurtful, I feel as if I have made no new progress - but this is just a bump on the road. Perhaps there is a slow upward climb before being able to cruise down the hill where life might be easier and find forgiveness freeing. But then another hill may approach and the process repeats. I would like to think that with each hill or obstacle, it becomes easier and we feel more prepared or more willing to make it up hill, knowing it will be better on the other side.

Some of the benefits I have found with forgiveness mainly comes down to having peace in my own life. When I am unable to forgive someone, I am holding onto anger towards them. If I think about them, I am annoyed, irritated, bothered, ect. And I don't want to feel this way. I think acceptance of letting others make their own choices and knowing that I can also make my own choices helps to let go when hurt by someone's actions. I can look at what someone has done, see the impact of that action, feel the hurt, and still be able to forgive them so that I can move on and do better in my own life. When I am able to let people go from the hurt they caused me, I feel better. I feel more free and lighter. I don't feel so angry or bothered by what someone else does.

I think forgiveness may also help with self-control. When I stop trying to control others and let go of the weight of their actions on me, I feel that I have more control over my own life and my actions. I can see and separate others actions from my own, knowing that I can only control my own actions and thoughts, regardless of what others are doing around me. Knowing and realizing this, has allowed me to feel more connected to myself, safe from the actions of others, and more peaceful because the disturbance from others lives does not have to disturb my life.

I know that forgiveness is hard. It is something I am still working on and likely will be working on for the rest of my life. Life is full of disappointments and hardships, but without forgiveness, the hurt and weight of life weighs heavier on us. I think that the opposite of forgiveness is bitterness, which I know that is not how I want to be. Sometimes I think I want the benefits of forgiveness without actually forgiving the one who I felt hurt by. But, I know it doesn't work like that, because that bitterness will show up eventually. So, my challenge today is to forgive. Maybe starting small, maybe forgiving that person that cut me off on the free way, maybe forgiving someone who created a smaller hurt in my life, and working my way towards the bigger hurts that seem impossible.