Guilt Vs Emphasizing Safety

Why is it, that when a women tries to stand up for themselves there is this sense of guilt that shows up. Right in front of taking care of yourself is this invisible force that tells you "this doesn't feel right". You shouldn't take care of yourself, you should care about everyone else. It says "well how is this impacting others?" but what about yourself? When does taking care of one's own safety (mentally, physically, spiritually, ect) matter more than the impact of your actions on others, even when it is the best thing for you?

I see this pattern of using guilt to keep women in unhealthy or unsafe situations because of how something "should be" or pushing the potential negative consequences of an action instead of thinking of the safety and well being of the woman.

Some advice in Christian marriage books talk about the negative consequences of divorce without taking into account the safety of those involved in the marriage. Below are some quotes from a popular Christian marriage book for wives:

"I believe in God’s position on divorce. He says it is not right and it grieves him.”

“God allowed me to thoroughly and clearly envision what life would be like if I left: where would I live? How would I support myself? Who would still be my friends? And worst of all, how a heritage of divorce would affect my son and daughter. If I left I would find some relief, but at the price of everything dear to me. I know it wasn’t God's plan for us.”

"God: “how important is preserving your marriage?” woman: “very important, the other options are unacceptable” God: I rest my case. Let’s get on with changing you”

“Dying to yourself is always painful. Especially when you are convinced that the other person needs more changing than you. But this kind of pain leads to life. The other alternatives is just as painful and it ultimately end is the death of a dream, a relationship, a marriage, and a family”

What I hear in these quotes is almost like threats and guilting someone into staying married when they may potentially be thinking of ending a marriage. Does God or Jesus in the bible use guilt, shame, or threatening language to make us change or stay? Is that the example that Jesus set?

These words provide a black and white stance that divorce is bad and divorce in any circumstance will lead to death, ruin, and so much uncertainty that staying married is always the answer. The words in these quotes make me sad. I think about how women who are truly hurting and trying to find answers, are then reading words such as these and thinking there is no life outside of divorce.

In the last quote, she says "Dying to yourself is always painful.....the other alternatives is just as painful and it ultimately end in the death of a dream, a relationship, a marriage, and a family"

So, if both options are equally painful and one has extra painful items attached to it, well then just keep dying to yourself! But is that true?

What if the relationship is hurting you? What if the dream was a fairytale that will never come true? What if the marriage is destroying your soul? What if the abuse is going to tear your family apart if not now, then later? Is all of that better than divorce?

Does the dream end? Yes. Does it hurt? Yes. Does it impact your family? Yes. But at what cost? When do we start caring for the safety of women over the stigma of divorce?

Another quote: "God can resurrect the deadest of marriages, but it takes humbling ourselves before him. It means letting go of the past and all hurts associated with it and be willing to lose the argument in order to win the battle. I'm not saying you have to become a person void of personality, feelings, or thoughts of your own, or be the whipping post for a husband's whim. (in fact, if you are in any kind of danger physical or emotional, remove yourself immediately from the situation).”

Here, the woman writing this book encourages those reading to remove themselves from harms way, but when the rest of the book shames women into staying, saying divorce will leave a terrible legacy for your children, flooding thoughts of how one will support themselves if they leave; the one comment about leaving when in danger does so little and it contradicts the rest of the messages that are written throughout every other page of this book. So what good is that? There's no support for how to leave, when to do it, and the freedom that comes from getting out from a toxic/abusive relationship.

Throughout this book, there are warning signs that her own husband is abusive. The way she talks about how her husband only takes his anger out on his family, she is unable to say her thoughts and opinions unless she prays about them, takes them to God first, and even saying that a husbands sin could include abuse, to me, goes against the one sentence where she says to remove yourself from harms way.

Of course there is going to be guilt and shame when it comes to divorce, but maybe some of that stigma could change if the safety of women start to be prioritized.

When do we stop caring about the impact of divorce and start caring about the safety and health of women in these abusive or toxic marriages.

Are we caring more about the ideas of marriage vs the human being in the marriage?

Are we shaming women into staying in abusive marriages because God hates divorce? Because it would look bad for Christians to get divorces?

Maybe it does look bad if Christians are getting divorced. That goes against God's design for marriage and how he originally intended, but we live in a broken and hurting world. Why are we assuming that just because someone claims to love Jesus and goes to church, they are incapable of hurting someone else? We are all humans and identifying with a Christian group does not prevent or maybe even protect against abuse. I wish that I would have cared more about my own health and my own safety. I wish that someone would have told me earlier that it is okay to put your own health first sometimes. That you don't have to feel guilty for looking our for yourself and that doesn't make you a bad person. I wish someone would have told me that even if or when you feel guilty about that, it doesn't mean the decision is wrong but that you may have been conditioned to believe that it is wrong. Even today, when I set a boundary, I feel guilty but I know that that doesn't mean it is bad or that I am bad, but that I was taught to forget myself. But setting boundaries sets me free, my divorce set me free, and focusing on my own safety allows for me to live a life that I love to be in. I no longer want to die to myself for the safety and comfortability of others if it means my own safety is going to be ignored and neglected.