Healthy Vs Unhealthy Love

During a time when I was asking myself, "what does a healthy relationship look like?" I found a YouTube channel that I enjoy watching and found myself learning a lot from it.

Although I could just attach the link (which I will do at the bottom), I will summarize what I learned and how this has helped me in my own life.

I want my love to others and the love from others to be healthy. I want good relationships and stability in that area of my life. This video and these concepts have helped me to examine my past relationships, look at my current ones, and think about how I want my future relationships to be as well. I know I've said this before, but I think that awareness is the first step to change, and I these videos help to bring awareness and insight into my life.

1. Intensity vs Stability

For me, when you start talking with someone new, there is a sense of fun and excitement because it is a new thing! I think what this video shares is that eventually as we become more familiar with someone, the initial intensity transitions to fondness and there is some sort of stabilization - which is healthy. It becomes unhealthy when this intensity does not stabilize and all time has to be spent with that other person. If the other person does not reciprocate this smothering attention, they may become upset.

I have definitely seen this smothering attention in my previous relationships, which you want to spend all of your time with your new person! Although it is nice to feel needed, each person still needs their space and the freedom to choose what to do with their time. I think, in my own experience, I have become controlling and want to force the relationship in a certain direction, vs letting the other person have some space and independence. One quote I read somewhere said "when we try to control others, we lose control of ourselves." I would say this has been true for me in my past, and self-control is a something that I personally continue to work on.

2. Isolation vs Independence

The video discusses how although you can be with another person in a relationship, you are still each your own individual human being. You can each have your own interests, hobbies, and friends that do not have to include the other person. In contrast to this, the unhealthy point is when you become isolated in your relationship. Everyone else does not matter as much, and the top priority becomes your partner.

I know for me personally, this is something I have experienced a lot in my past relationships. I made my ex-husband my top priority, as I thought I should, and in doing that I was very isolated from others and honestly had a lack of community around me. Today, I do feel that I have a strong community around me, and I think that makes what I have to lose seem a lot greater. I would never want to become isolated again and lose the connections I have made. I do now see having independence in a relationship as very valuable, as I don't want to change or lose the good parts of my life to be with someone else.

3. Concern vs Jealousy

When becoming close with someone, of course there is going to be concern around them, because they become someone you care deeply about! The video discusses that healthy love does have small doses of jealousy, that can be communicated, heard, and resolved with mutual trust. It goes on to say that irrational jealousy that can never be reassured is unhealthy, as how there be a healthy relationship without trust?

4. Teasing vs Belittling

When we tease our friends or partners, our feelings do not become hurt and it often means we are comfortable around the other person. This can indicate healthy love, vs belittling, which often crosses lines and can be humiliating when someone makes fun of something that they know is hurtful to you.

I think for myself, it is hard to admit and accept that the person I was with would intentionally try to be hurtful, but sometimes we need to accept the truth to see reality. When someone puts you down, makes fun of sensitive subjects, or humiliates you, that is not healthy. Sometimes I think it can be hard to see this in someone who is loved, and often I would find myself brushing off how I felt and making excuses for the other person. I know in my current and future relationships, whether romantic or not, I do not want to be put down or humiliated. Which drawing this boundary when I feel like I am is an important step for me and a practicing I am still learning.

5. Generosity vs Manipulation

With healthy love, there is no score card. One person may give freely and the other may give freely because you care about the other person, not because you are trying to get something in return. This in a sense is about being self-less, compared to being selfish which may lead to manipulation. This video goes on to explain that unhealthy love gives, only to expect something in return. The one quote from the video jotted down in my notes states "if you really love me you'd do it".

I personally hate the feeling of being controlled or only giving so that I can get something in return. I think that relationships are better when each gives freely to the other because you love them, not so that you can get something back. One way for me to think about things, is to ask "what is the motivation?" or why is someone doing something? If it is to be genuinely nice, then I can be accepted a lot more freely, vs someone doing something to hold it over your head often leads to questioning and a lack of trust, in my own personal experience.

6. Honesty vs Volatility

Healthy love as the video states "is honest but not manipulative. Shares feelings, wants, thoughts for better mutual understanding to be a strong support to each other and to grow closer". I think that is so beautiful. The more we know and learn about another person, the more love we have to give to someone. It is hard to love someone who we not know, and it is hard for someone to love us when they do not know us. The video goes on and talks about how in unhealthy love, honesty is volatile. Involving fights and then asking the person to come back, feeling as if you are unable to function without them. There is no consistency with emotions.

When we are unable to be honest with our partner, or in other relationships, how can they truly know us or how can we truly know them?

Looking at all of these characteristics that either build a healthy or unhealthy version of love, I think it comes down to asking one's self, what type of relationship do we want? Do I want a relationship where I feel isolated, jealous, belittled and humiliated, manipulated, and my honesty is turned into fights no matter how you approach a subject? My answer is NO. This answer may seem obvious, but is it? How long was I in a relationships that felt just like this? How many other people do I know that may feel this way at times as well? And maybe it is not all the time, there a certainly some good moments here and there, but what is the overall feeling within the relationship?

For me, being loved while feeling stable, independent, caring, having playful moments, being generous, and my honesty is accepted and appreciated sounds like a much better relationship to be in. So, why do we settle and accept feeling this way?

Video Link: https://youtu.be/4c5dFcC4LNY?si=P5A5wU64zdaI0m8A