Lacking Sense of Self

What is having a "sense of self"?

How does one get to know themselves after either never knowing or losing themselves?

Not having a sense of self could be defined as: "characteristic of a person who never developed a natural, ongoing, inner knowledge that they feel truly alive as a "real" independent human being"

Do I have an ongoing, inner knowledge that makes me feel like an independent human being?

Now: Yes

Before: Nopey nope

I feel that I am still learning so much about myself, but thinking back, how does one start that process?

One way that can be helpful is to start by looking at others lives and notice what you are missing. How do others that are around experience themselves? Maybe asking, how do I want to experience myself?

To me, some of the things that I think of when I think about my "sense of self" includes: personality traits, abilities, likes/dislikes, beliefs, morals, things that motivate you, strengths, weaknesses.

There are several different personality tests, (ex) Enneagram), that can help peer into one's personality, asking or finding things that are enjoyable, things that are felt strongly about, ext.

For me, this did included:

- finding my Enneagram number

- discovering that I feel really strongly about certain subjects and I get worked up about certain things that I believe are not right

- Learning that fixing problems help motivate me

- I made a list of what I value

- I summarized myself in five words

- I noted the qualities I look for in others

- I asked myself what I must have in my life to feel safe/secure

- I looked at what I feared

- I looked at how I felt with other people in my life

- I looked at what emotional health looks like and tried to search for the areas in my life where I was lacking

- I looked at what material items I used to avoid suffering

- I started asking myself, why do I do what I am doing?

- I made a list of hobbies that I love doing

Although this process took several months, there is a benefit to knowing who you are. What motivates, what encourages, what annoys, what drives you nuts.

There is a quote that I find very true by Carl Rogers, it states “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself, just as I am, then I can change."

Once I was able to look at me and accept me and like who I was, then I could start to see myself in a more accurate way and provide the space for myself to grow. Without that self-acceptance, the fight is between who you want to be, without acknowledging who you are right now.