Letting go of Control

Being controlling is a terrible trait. I think. I hate to admit it to myself, but I know I was so controlling in my past relationship. Maybe it was modeled to me growing up, but I think that the struggle with control is a problem for many others. I want to control my life, the outcomes, even other people because I think that I know best. I cringe just thinking about how I used to be. In m previous relationship, I definitely see myself being so controlling. Sometimes when I think back to how I used to be and previous interactions and I feel embarrassed.

Now, I would like to think that my desire to control has lessened. Maybe not 100% disappeared, but I am much more aware than I was before about how much I wanted to control, and more aware of when I feel like I want to control or when I try to.

Since this time, I have read two books on control, but honestly I can't remember what either one of them said. So, I am not sure how valuable they were. But I have read about control in other places and these few comments have helped me more than both of those two books combined.

One book I read, unsure which, had a phrase in it, and I have thought about this phrase multiple times since reading it. The author wrote, "The more you try to control other people, the more you lose control of yourself", and how true is that? How I can I be aware of myself, when I am so worried about what everyone else is doing?

This one sentence has changed how I look at control. Being self-controlled is one of the fruits of the spirit, which is obviously a desirable trait, but as soon as that control is turned onto someone other than yourself, its a terrible thing. I guess I ask myself the question again, how can I be self-controlled while trying to control everyone and everything else?

Another thing that has helped me is to visually picture holding reins in your hands, like horse reins or ropes, and then either in your mind or physically letting your hands open and letting go of these imaginary reins of life. I also read this exercise in a book, and just the physical moments of opening and letting go of your hands does sometime to my own desire to control. Maybe releasing the energy of the emotion, I am not sure, but it helps me to feel better.

Also, I believe that God is in control. Yes, I believe we all have free will, and I don't understand the relationship between those two things, but everything works together for His good. So, although the words are easy to say, the control is harder to let go. Knowing and believing this is not a pat answer or band-aide over a wound, but perhaps able to give some peace of mind. If I really believe there is a God out there, who created the whole world and designed us as humans, and that he is watching over my life and I can trust Him, then maybe I am able to let go a little bit of things I want to control.

I know that I still struggle with this concept, and will be something I will always be coming back to, to work on during the different seasons of life. Recently, on this journey through life, I have had some unexpected emotional responses to different things. And these really bother me. Why can't I control how I feel? Why do certain things out of the blue make me cry when I didn't even know I cared about the topic. I recently have decided that I am so bothered by these uncontrolled emotional responses because I feel out of control. When this happens I desperately try to find a word that could describe how I am feeling so that I can regain control over my emotions, but what if I didn't? What would happen to sit in the uncomfortableness of life. When there is something that I cannot control, can I open my hands and let go of needing answer or trying to find a solution? I honestly don't know. How would it feel to sit in something that is uncomfortable? Emotionally? Physically? I would hate it. But what would be the benefit? Maybe I could practice letting go? Perhaps I could find a new source of trust?

I do not have these answers, but perhaps good questions to go in the right direction.