My Two Besties: Guilt and Shame

In the past, I have read books by Brene Brown (So Good!) that explain the difference between guilt vs shame. Essentially, guilt says "I've done something wrong" and shame says "I am something wrong". I loved reading her books in the past but for me, the connection of shame and where it was hiding in my life was not something I could see at the time.

It turns out, guilt and shame are my two friends from long ago that I didn't even know I had. I am not sure exactly when we met, but I am sure we were fast friends.

For me, a lot of my shame has stemmed from being raised by two flawed human beings (which, we all are) and not receiving what I truly needed to feel loved and accepted. Growing up I always felt that I had to work and do things to earn others loves, and then when they did not appreciate all of my hard work that I thought I was doing, I became resentful. It's funny, because all of this would happen without a word from anyone. My parents never verbally told that to me I had to do this work, and I never voiced how I felt to either of them.

We all feel guilt, I have done things wrong that I have felt guilty for and likely will continue to feel this at times. It's maybe our inner conscience telling us what is right vs wrong. Shame on the other hand makes me feel like my core being is wrong. Who I am as a person, my personality, what I like, what I am interested in, ect is not good enough and needs to be adjusted. This is how I felt. Who I was wasn't right, so I had to do and work to earn others love. I am sad thinking this, but it is how I felt growing up and through some of my adult life.

How did I find out I had a life long friend of Shame, that I didn't even know how to identify its name when it was around? Well.. the day my divorce was final, I thought I would feel relieved, like I was free to move on and let go of the past. But instead, I felt so "guilty", or what I thought was guilt at the time. I felt that it was my fault I was divorced, I was the problem, and it was not the response I was expecting.

Fast forward a few months, I was sitting in my divorce group and the topic was guilt. I was working on sharing more within the group, so since it was almost the end of our time that night, I thought I was going to share just a quick experience from when I was official divorced, hoping it might help me or maybe even others. Well, I as I started to share, I could hardly gets the words out before I started crying and could not stop. One thing I have learned recently, is that when your body has an expected response, there is likely a deeper emotion or undealt with trauma that is lingering.

At that time, I really didn't think I felt that guilty, so I didn't understand this response. I cried in that group, I cried on the way home, I thankfully had therapy the next day and when I brought up what had happened, I started crying again. Had I really felt this guilty about my divorce? This was news to me! My therapist then mentioned that maybe the emotion I was feeling was not guilt, but my other lifelong friend, shame. And I hope that everyone can experience this feeling at one point in their lives, because when she said that word, it instantly took the power from what I was feeling. That feeling of being overwhelming and not knowing what was causing it, was instantly gone. I didn't feel like crying any more, I felt some understanding of my emotions, and instantly felt better. And that is when I saw my friend, that I had clung onto for so long, for the first time.

So now I am fixed! I ended therapy and have never had a problem since!

I wish.

So, where did this take me?

Well, a few years prior to this time, I had read some books related to parenting and had created a "memories document" of memories from my childhood. For me, I never think or thought about my childhood and honestly find it difficult to remember stories from my past. The best way I can describe it, is that my childhood is a blur. But as I started thinking, more memories surfaced and I was able to create this list of things I remembered about my interactions with family from a variety of times in my life. This list sat for a little more than three years, thinking I would never want to revisit that. Until I found my friend shame.

Using this list, that has already been created years ago, with my therapist, we looked at how each of these memories had made me feel at the time and if their was shame related to them (even if the shame wasn't mine). Doing this shed A LOT of light on patterns from my past and what had caused me to feel the way I did in certain circumstances.

For me, even pulling these patterns out and becoming more aware of what I do, led me to create changes that I wanted because I was aware of what I was currently doing. Seeing these patterns and watching them play out in front of me, allowed me to stop and think about my thoughts, emotions, and actions to change them towards a more desirable outcome. I have seen so much progress in this area of my life, but I also know there is still far to go.

One thing I have heard is that "shame produces hiding, and hiding produces shame" This is unbelievable true for me.

What do I hide? What am I embarrassed about? When do I feel shame?

These questions, along with others, have helped me to start noticing when shame is taking over. Certain situations cause me to feel embarrassed and I am not sure why. Although I may never understand why certain situations cause my shame to flare, for me, noticing the shame being flared up is what is important. Shining light on the areas of ourselves that we do not like, takes that shame away. If we take these things out of hiding, shame loses its power over us, because we are naming it and showing it to the world.

When I take away the power of shame, I feel more comfortable in my own skin. I feel more confident, more assured of who I am and who I want to be. And this is a great feeling. I remember being so unsure of who I could be around others, and the shame in me kept me there. It never occurred to me that I should just be myself. And part of being able to be yourself, is knowing who you are. Which is for another time.

A reoccurring theme for my healing is awareness. That day when my therapist told me I might be feeling shame, I thought for a moment, but after instantly feeling better, I had to agree. My next question to her was "How do I fix that?" I don't think there is one answer for that, but for me, the start of the answer was awareness. This lead to a long road of looking at past patterns, looking at where I see those patterns in my current life, and looking at how I want my responses to be in the future. I had a lot of shame in my life, I see it in areas today, and may have some in areas I cannot even see yet, but I've come such a long way with being able to ditch my old friend, Shame.