A recent voice that I heard in my thoughts said “who are you to have a blog?” and “Well you’re not going to be good at that”
I asked "who’s voice was that?" It was my mom.
I have these moments of negative thoughts that come into my head, which I have a name for the person who say's those thoughts, but they are very present and often can be loud and convincing. Even if my mom never meant any harm, or if she didn't realize the voice she was creating in my head, she still made that impact. The words that she would use towards me told me that I was not capable. Maybe these were her own insecurities she was projecting onto me, but these thoughts and this intrusive voice shows up and has been living with me into my adult life.
To me, when I hear these thoughts, I picture her saying “who do you think you are? You should stay below me”. The message this voice sends to me is that you can only be as good as your parents were. You can't be better than them. They know more than you and you are at their level. But what about when you learn more? What about if you have different skills and want to use that to better your life and others?
I asked myself how I could re-parent myself, how I could talk back to that voice, and how could I still hear that voice in my head that is full of doubt, and not let it take over and run my whole life? How do you re-parent yourself so that you can talk back to these voices and so that you don’t have to let these intrusive thoughts from the insecurities of others dictate your life? I asked myself, what would Jesus say to these intrusive thoughts?
Didn’t Jesus know more than his parents? Didn’t he teach at the temple at a young age and everyone was amazed at him? He knew more than his parents and that was okay. He didn’t only know what just what his parents knew. He learned more and knew more, and he used that info to tell others. If you know something and it would help someone else, why keep that hidden and to yourself?
What would Jesus say to me? I think that he would tell me that he gave me a voice. He gave me a brain. He gave me a body and that I should use all of those things. I think that he would tell me that he wants me to be who he created me to be. Your individual self has nothing to do with your family, and I don’t want you to limit yourself. You have your own gifts and your own abilities that you were created with and you were meant to use those. You are loved as an individual and not because of how you relate to your parents or to anyone else. If doing a blog feels right then you should do it. If that’s how you want to use your voice, then why not? I think that Jesus would tell me that he created me with talents and that he would want me to use them.
Even knowing this and thinking about this concept doesn't make that voice go away. That voice and my negative and insecure thoughts may always be there, but when I hear that voice, I can recognize that it is not mine and I can speak back to it. I know that there is still parts of me that feel insecure and make me feel small, but pretending those parts don't exist or shaming them won't help them go away or become smaller. I want to re-parent myself so that when I have doubts or there is a voice in my head that makes me question my worth, I am able to know that I am created with gifts and talents, that I was created to be loved, and no amount of issues that have been projected onto me, or mistakes that I make will change that.
Comments