Relationship Health

How would I describe my previous relationship? Actually, how would I describe all of my past relationships? Maybe even some of my current ones.

Maybe the biggest word that comes to mind is toxic. They were just unhealthy.

Although maybe at times a word used to describe them would be fun, exciting, loving, and warm. But, most of the time it was either me trying to change them or them trying to change me. I look back at the list of words used to describe intimacy or a healthy relationship (See previous post "Discovering Intimacy") and each of those things were lacking.

Since my last relationship was over, in the wonderful world of YouTube, I have watched countless videos on what a healthy relationship looks like vs one that could gently be called an unhealthy one.

Although I am very thankful for becoming more aware of how I am in a relationship as well as how the relationship should feel - my inner angsty teenage girl is asking myself, "Why did no one ever tell me this kind of stuff???!... RUDE!" Here I am in my mid-twenties finding out how I am supposed to act in a healthy relationship for the first time. My inner teen would be pissed, as if she doesn't already have a pile of things she's still not over from the past. Always a work-in-progress:)

Then, my trying-to-be-an-adult self follows up with a question, "how can someone teach you a healthy relationship if they don't know what it is themselves? or have healthy relationships of their own?"

As I age and learn more about those around me, I find more and more that so many people struggle to be in "healthy" or non-damaging relationships. Why?

I believe that life is really only as good as those around us. Who cares how much money you have if you can't enjoy it with anyone? What do you have or want that money can't buy? Because at the end of the day, sure you can be surrounded by the stuff you bought and worked so hard for, but I'd personally rather be surrounded by those who I love and who's lives have touched each other.

If relationships are so important, which I would argue they are, then why is this not taught or something we have to figure out for ourselves?

When I think about my life, and what I want the future to look like, what do I see? Honestly, I see people I love around me. I don't see a big house, nice cars, cute interior décor, and maybe I want all of those things and I don't think any of those things are bad, but when I think back and try to picture what I want my life to look like, the biggest thing is community. And think about how many people are missing that? I'm missing that.

At one point in my life, I woke up and realized I had only cared about myself for most of my life, to find I really didn't have a community. I didn't have people in my life who I could lean on or people who I had been in their community when they needed something. And that sucked.

I've come to see more and more than we all want what money can't buy. Because if you could buy it, you would. If you didn't have the money to buy it, the money could be borrowed. People want meaningful relationships and community. We want peace, love, joy, gratitude, health, and the list could go on.

The Harvard study that I believe is the longest research study ever, basically found that happy people have good relationships in their lives (they also live longer). What makes people happier is other people. And good relationships with those other people. So, if this is true, why are there so many toxic relationships?

Well, the more I deep dive into things, there may be several reasons, but regardless, what have I learned?

These relationships may include romantic ones, but ALSO relationships with friends, family, sisters, co-workers, ect. The people in our lives bring importance to us. Currently the background of my phone screen is a picture I found on Pinterest that reads "How you spend your das, if how you spend you life" and it reminds me that life is more about the little moments and the little interactions than the big ones. How do we feel in our every day interactions, or are just waiting on the big moments to make all the small moments worth it?

What have I learned about healthy vs unhealthy love - if those terms are okay to use? Well, this post has veered off into a different direction than expected, but still good things!

Perhaps to be followed up :)