The Fullness of Time

I look back at some of the prayers I've journaled and I remember how desperately I wanted my marriage to be saved. Trusting that God is in control of everything, why wouldn't he save my marriage? I still do not know the answer to that question, but I continually come back to the verse Romans 8:28 which says "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good..." Being able to reflect now and look back, I see so much good that has come from my divorce. I've gained so much more than I ever could have lost.

I find it interesting that what I wanted and prayed so hard for, is something I don't want and couldn't even imagine now. Which, its a good thing God now more than us. I am so thankful for my growth and the road I am on. For myself personally, I find it easy to just look ahead and see how much more I need to do, but sometimes I am reminded to take a step back and see how far I've come. Looking at everything one has survived, gives me confidence and courage to keep moving forward, and to have some self-compassion.

During my separation, I could not have thought that I would be much happier divorced vs being married, I could not have thought that I would have gained my life back by losing one person who I loved so much. I could not have thought that living alone and seeing my beloved community a few times a week would have been less lonely than being married and living with one's spouse. But, looking back now, I've learned so much. I have stronger relationships, I have more joy in my life, I have more friends, I have a stronger faith, I like myself, and I've learned the values that I have because of who I was created by and not because of what has happened to me.

These changes did not happen overnight. They were gradual, time consuming, and took active involvement. I could have chosen to sit back, ask "Why me?" and become bitter. But I don't want to be bitter. I want to use what has happened in my life to grow, and not to let it define me. I may be divorced, but that not who I am at my core. I've chosen to use these turn of events for my benefit, which has lead to a full life of joy, peace, hobbies, friends, family, and contentment.

Of course, life is not perfect and there are down days. But the down days are less frequent than before, and uplifted by a new community that loves me and I love them back.

When I sit back and think about how life unfolds, and how we have no idea how the future will turn out, it really leads me to try to see everything in a positive light. How crazy are some turn of events!

I think about this often. How we don't and cannot know the future. Yet how much of my thoughts are consumed by what hasn't happened yet, and likely will never happen? A lot. There are a lot of "What If's?" What if .... anything! Literally anything could happen today, both good and bad and what good does it do to try and figure it out before hand. Life never goes as one has planned in their heads, and sometimes that's a good thing!

One thing that has helped me lessen the anxiety of life, is instead of asking myself "what if this unlikely and wild thing happens?" I just tell myself "We'll see"

I am learning to accept that I cannot know the future, I cannot control others reactions, I can't know what is going to happen next in my life, but I guess we will see! For me, it takes the worry and anxiety out of what could happen, and leans into the acceptance that the future is unknown, but I can trust God who does know my future and has a plan for my life. So we will see what God has planned today ...