The Path Forward

Lately I have been in a new space. I would say that it all started these past few months, but the more I think back, it started years and years ago. But, where it has started more recently was shortly after my separation/divorce. I believe that relationships to other human beings are one of the most important things that we have on their earth. Thinking about what will matter at the end of the day, it will be those I call friends and family. I won’t care about my house, my couch, my car, or my clothes. No, I will care about the lives of others and how I have impacted them, and how they have impacted me.

So, since my divorce, I see myself as someone who would like to get married again. I want to have a great relationship with my spouse. I want to have, not a perfect, but a healthy relationship. So, in search of finding that, I have read a lot of self-help books, and I started to include some marriage books. Since I have a foundation of faith in my life, I wanted to read material that was rooted in what I thought might be biblical advice. I wanted to know, how can I be a better wife if I were to get married again. Upon reading these "Christian" materials, what I read was truly horrifying.

I wish I could say that reading those made me want to date and find someone who I could love and who would love me back, but what I found and how I felt after reading those books was that I never wanted to date or get married again. I had decided that marriage was not something I wanted in my life, not if it was how these books portrayed it.

(At the time, I really didn't even question whether what these books were saying was true or not. I just took what they said as truth, and decided that it was not for me. Since then, I have realized that what these books teach is not the example that Jesus showed us, and have decided to look elsewhere relationship advice.)

Anyway, between reading marriage books, I read other books about attachment styles. And, well, when I got done reading other psychology books, such as Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel S. F. Heller, I found myself wanting a relationship that they described. So, what was the difference?

Well, what I took away from the “Christian” marriage books was essentially this. You, as the wife, are expected to act kind, respectful, and loving towards your husband at all times. No matter what he does. No matter how he treats you, no matter how he acts. And him? Well, if he's not being kind or loving, it's because you aren’t respecting him! You aren’t being good enough, so try harder. So, let me get this straight. How he treats me is dependent on how I treat him, but how I treat him is 100% independent of how I am treated?

I’m sorry, but I am uninterested in a relationship that looks like that. These books do not talk about abuse, they do not account for those who are in unhealthy relationships, and they do not treat both people in the marriage fairly. They do not discuss how to communicate effetely with each other, how to resolve conflict, having or creating boundaries, and they give the man a free pass on almost every issue because he is the leader. No thank you. I will pass. That ain't it.

Boundaries are good, but they are not talked about. Holding others accountable is good, but that is seen as “criticizing” . Yes, there is a nice and mean way to say all things, but does that mean that when someone needs to be called out, that you are being critical? Not always. I truly have no many issues with the messages that are presented in these books and I believe I can choose to be better.

I feel that I have to almost decide between having a healthy relationship and a biblical one. Why can't there be room for both?

Why can't we use Jesus as an example of how we are to treat others, whether we are married to them or not, and, also, use research for psychology to combine what we know and write books that include both of these aspects to create healthy marriages. Why don't we encouraged men in their marriages an equal amount as we do women? Why don't we hold men to at least as high of standards that we hold women to? Why is the Evangelical community so set on keeping men above women, at churches and at home, telling women that they need to essentially be a doormat for their husbands and serve as Christ served, while not having that same serving attitude encouraged among men?

Jesus came to earth as an example of how we are to be. Jesus did not come demanding authority and demanding praise to boost his ego. He came to serve and to protect up those who were hurting and being pushed down. I think that Jesus is hurting for women who are being pushed down and abuse in the name of serving. I believe we are called to protect those who are hurting, instead of protecting authors who are pushing these harmful messages.