While I wait...

One year ago, July 31st 2022, I had just recently moved out of my apartment and was living with a friend until I planned to move into a new apartment. No progress had been made within my marriage of either healing or moving further away, AKA divorce. This made me feel very uncertain as I was unsure what the future looked like. I don't think, at this point, that I had accepted that my marriage was over, and I continued to pray that God would somehow heal what was broken. That night, I was on Pinterest, and was looking at journal prompts, as I felt that maybe having specific things to journal about would help with all the thoughts swirly around in my head. I found one image titled "While I wait. August faith journal prompts." I don't really believe in coincidences, so I felt that since the next day was August first, and I was in a terrible period of waiting, I took this as a sign for me to use these prompts throughout the month.

How long do we wait for a relationship to heal? How much time do we give someone we love? When do we know that the right thing to do is to move forward alone? I don't know. These are good, but hard questions. Although I did eventually make these decisions, there was a period of time where I didn't know what the answer to these questions looked like - so for me, the answer appeared to be "Just wait"

So, as I started journaling in the morning, August 1st 2022, the first day was to list things that I am grateful for right now. That can be a very difficult task when there has been so much loss, I felt like I didn't have a home, I hated moving, I didn't know where my husband was living, and I could go on and on about how things just were not how they should have been. But, I was able to come up with a whole page of things I was grateful for. Some of these included: My mentors, the bible study I was in, my friends hospitality, my job, the summer weather, the seasonal fruit, my cats, the books I was reading, and I was thankful for my new independence and that I was seeking change for myself. Looking at this list, I was very blessed at this time in my life, even though it was not how I would have chosen my life to go.

Some of the other journal prompts included "What am I waiting for God to do?", "How can I be more patient during this period?", "How does my attitude during this time affect others?", "What have I learned about God during this season?", and many others. Each day I felt encouraged and thoughtful while journaling and getting my thoughts out on paper. I really tried to use this month to think about my life and what this period was meant for. Finding gratitude and finding purpose for me, made me sit in the uncomfy-ness of waiting to see what God would show me about myself.

In my story, looking back, I know that I didn't wait a SUPER long time to see if my relationship would heal, but for me, I waited as long I thought was reasonable for someone to clearly think about the relationship and decide whether they want to stay gone or come back. During this time in the past, I read books about others waiting years to get back together with their spouses, and each person's story is different. But this is just my story, and at 25, being married about two and a half years, I didn't feel that the other person should need years to decide. I can't be someone who will allow a person to walk in and out of my life as they please or when they find it convenient.

Part of this month was spent reflecting and thinking about my own actions, what could I learn from having to just wait? This is a super uncomfortable place to be. I want to have a plan, I want to know which direction my life is moving in, but how did I react when there was no plan and I didn't know the direction.

Waiting sucks. I am inpatient. But, maybe this month was meant to test that patience. I hope I have grown in the tests of life, although I know I have failed just as much. But, life is full of things that will test our character and maybe show us more glimpses of who we are, or who we could become.